


Howard's Greatest Creation

by AnonEhouse



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cat, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3891961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is Howard's greatest creation, and all of SHIELD knows it. He might even be a genius, but under the circumstances, they can't test it. They don't really care, because they love him, no matter what destruction he causes.</p><p>Steve Rogers, newly awakened, is slower to come around to that opinion, but in the end they become friends.</p><p>(Warning for authorial sneakiness)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Howard's Greatest Creation

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"That's Howard's greatest creation?" Steve Rogers asked.

"Towards the end, he was becoming a little eccentric," Fury replied. "He left SHIELD everything, and I do mean everything, but on condition that we also keep Tony."

"But is the helicarrier really the place for him?" Steve said, eying Tony's antics warily. Tony was sitting on the conference table, trying to grab Natasha's pen. And surprisingly, from what little he'd seen of Natasha, she was permitting it, with nothing more than an occasional tug on his ear in protest.

"Tony goes wherever the hell he wants. That was also in the will." Fury shrugged. "Short of caging him, we couldn't stop him. He's probably a genius."

"Probably?" Steve watched as Tony got bored with Natasha and turned to stalk her partner, Hawkeye. He wiggled his ass and then leaped, snatching one of the arrows from Hawkeye's quiver and running off with it. Hawkeye didn't even flinch.

"He isn't cooperative. Bit the last scientist who tried the mirror test on him. Should have known better. He dyed Tony's whiskers." Fury shrugged. "Word of advice, don't touch his whiskers. That's been in the SHIELD handbook for thirty years now."

"Thirty years? He doesn't look that old."

Fury nodded. "Yeah. Tony's well over forty and not a white hair on him."

"So. You think..." Steve waved at himself. Even on the helicarrier he wasn't going to mention the super serum out loud.

"Looks like it." Fury glanced around the helicarrier. "Well, that's it for the guided tour. Welcome to the Avengers' Initiative, Captain." That was a fairly clear dismissal. Fury hadn't told Steve much, just that Loki had taken the Tesseract, along with Fury's right hand man, Phil Coulson. They now had Loki in custody, but the Tesseract, and Loki's mind-controlled minions, including Coulson, were still on the loose. Without their leader, Steve supposed the minions wouldn't be a priority, and there wasn't anything a soldier like him could do until they located the enemy forces except get in the way.

So Steve nodded and went over to the conference table. He sat down, but a moment later jerked in his seat. He glanced under the table. Tony was grinning at him and holding onto his ankle. Steve frowned. "Everyone else may let you get away with murder, but not me, Tony." He grabbed Tony by the neck and hauled him out from under the table. Tony went totally limp, and his eyes were round and pitiful. Steve felt like a monster for about two seconds before Tony squirmed around and bit him.

"Ow!" Steve dropped Tony who ran off.

"Did he draw blood?" Natasha asked idly.

"No." Steve examined his hand. 

"That means he likes you," Clint said. "You should see what he does to Banner."

"Doctor Banner? The man who turns into a raging giant when he's angry?" Steve wondered all the more at Fury's allowing Tony on board the helicarrier. "Doesn't Tony have any sense of self-preservation?"

"Not that I've seen," Natasha said. 

"He's got good reflexes, though," Clint remarked as he stood up. "See you around, Captain." Clint gave Steve a very unmilitary wave and strode off.

"Would you care to meet Dr. Banner?" Natasha asked, just as Steve was beginning to feel awkward. Everyone else knew what they were doing, or at least acted like it. He was pretty sure one guy was playing a game on his computer.

"Yes, I would." Fury thought he could throw Steve in charge of a 'group of extraordinary people' when Steve didn't know how to find the john on the helicarrier? Hell, he couldn't even control Tony. "Could you give me directions?"

Natasha tilted her head. "It's on my way."

Steve followed Natasha and began to get an idea how the ship was laid out. It wasn't all that dissimilar to the battleships he'd known. Except for the flying.

"Dr. Banner?" Natasha said as they entered what Steve supposed was a lab. The machines changed, but there were always shiny boxes and weird gadgets.

"Yes?" The man sitting on a chair swiveled around. Tony was on his lap and expressed his disapproval of the interruption by jabbing Banner before jumping down. "Ow," Dr. Banner said.

"Are you all right, Dr. Banner?" Steve asked.

"Oh, sure. If I couldn't handle pointy things, I wouldn't be here." Dr. Banner gave Steve and Natasha a faint smile. "I like Tony. It's nice, you know, him not being afraid to poke me."

Tony returned, carrying a small foil packet. "Thanks," Dr. Banner said. "Beef jerky. Ok, fine." He opened the packet and took out a piece before giving the packet back to Tony. 

Tony offered the packet to Steve. Steve ignored him, and pushed him away when Tony gave him a pat. "I get the feeling no one's taking this seriously."

Dr. Banner sighed. "I don't want to get involved. I'm just here to find the Tesseract. I don't see what the big problem is, you and Thor brought in Loki and he's sitting in the cage Fury meant for me. Thor is embarrassed because his brother's a murderous maniac, so he probably won't make a big fuss when Fury tries to steal it to make his own doom weapons."

"What weapons?" Steve asked. 

"There are no doom weapons," Natasha said. "Dr. Banner just has an overactive imagination."

"I don't have any evidence." Dr. Banner gave them a thin smile. "Nothing but years of experience being chased by bigger and badder ordnance. _Someone_ is always looking for a bigger stick, and Fury doesn't seem the sort of man to like being out-gunned."

Tony was eating a piece of jerky, but he made a noise that sounded like agreement.

"I can understand why you'd feel that way, Doctor, but we've got our orders and I'm going to follow mine." Steve nodded to Natasha. "I think I can find my own way around now, thanks." He walked out quickly, before things had a chance to deteriorate into an argument, and before Tony could grab at Steve again. He thought Banner was probably right, but saying so in front of Natasha would simply make finding the truth impossible.

 

No one stopped Steve. Apparently if you were this far into the helicarrier, everyone assumed you had a right to be where you were. Sloppy. And it was even more sloppy when he found the armory not only unguarded, but with easily opened cases. Looking at the weapons gave him a cold clenching feeling in his gut. They were far too similar to Hydra's horror guns; the ones Howard Stark had been so very, very fascinated by. They should have left the Tesseract in the ocean. He picked up a gun and headed back towards the lab. 

 

Fury was in the lab, along with Thor, Clint, Natasha, Bruce and Tony. They were all arguing. Tony in particular was spitting mad, standing next to Bruce as if defending him from the others. Steve didn't know what was happening, and he didn't care, because the simmering anger he'd had since seeing the guns had flared up. He flung the gun down on a table, the sound making everyone look at him. "No doom weapons?"

And then everyone was shouting. Banner picked up Loki's scepter, and Steve didn't know what he was going to do with it, but it didn't seem likely to be anything good. There was an electronic beeping, which Steve ignored, but Fury said, "Oh, my god, Coulson. He has the codes," and the two agents turned immediately towards the exit and ran out. "Engine shut down sequence initiated," a flat mechanical voice intoned. Steve turned to follow them. His suit and more important, his shield, were in storage. That was one place he'd made certain to locate. He was in the doorway when something exploded behind him. He looked back and the window was gone. So were Dr. Banner and Tony. He went over to the gaping hole in the wall and looked down. He couldn't see anything but twisted steel, broken plates and pipes several stories below. There was no way he could climb down.

"ROGERS!" Fury shouted over the comm system, loud enough to be heard over a mechanized countdown. "They're after Loki!"

"On my way!" Steve grabbed the untested weapon and ran towards the cage where they were keeping Loki. He thought Banner would survive, according to everything that he'd heard about the Hulk. Tony, well, good luck to him, Steve had bigger things to worry about if Loki got out, and used the Tesseract. He'd get his shield on the way.

Things were smashing and crashing everywhere. Several people shot at Steve. He fired back, and hoped they were mercenaries; not mind-controlled agents who had no choice in their actions. The gun proved to have a hell of a kick, but it didn't vaporize the bodies. He kept it even after he got his shield, but hung it over his shoulder by its strap, as a last resort weapon. The deck kept dropping from under his feet in fits and starts, making him stumble. With any luck that was due to Fury trying to put them down in the ocean in a semi-controlled fall. The last time Steve had looked they were very far up. He really didn't want to crash into the ocean again.

He reached the glass holding cell and found Thor already there. An expressionless man wearing a business suit was standing next to the cell, holding Loki's scepter casually. The door was open and the only thing between Loki and freedom was his brother. Thor was also between Steve and Loki. "Thor," Steve said calmly, "Stand aside." He raised the 'doom weapon' with one hand. He had seen what Loki could take. If Natasha hadn't used the Quinjet's weapons on him, they would never have captured him. Or would they? Maybe Loki had planned this all along. He was crazy enough to want to rub his brother's nose in it by easily escaping from the best they could do.

"Brother," Thor said, while totally ignoring Steve. He spread his hands out, letting his hammer hang by its thong from his wrist. "Do not force my hand. I beg you. Let us go home together."

"You're not my brother, and Asgard's not my home," Loki said, with an excessive amount of venom. "Coulson." He held out his hand for the scepter. Steve threw his shield; the angle was bad but he managed to knock the scepter out of Loki's hand. His minion, Coulson, dove for it but stopped and stared at the shield instead. Thor stepped forward to embrace Loki. Loki stabbed him with a dagger he shouldn't have had, which seemed to just make Thor angry.

If the walkway had been a little wider, Steve could have got around Thor. He was seriously considering leapfrogging Thor when the bulkhead behind him exploded.

"Ah. The beast," Loki said, with remarkable aplomb, but a moment later, his face changed. "What is that!" he shouted, pointing as Hulk emerged from the rubble, with Tony clinging to his shoulder.

"We call him Hulk," Steve said, while trying to get a shot at Loki.

"Not _That_ ," Loki snapped. He jabbed his finger again in Hulk's vicinity.

Steve blinked. "Tony? He's a cat."

Tony spit at Loki. Hulk reached up to pet Tony and then growled at Loki. "TONY NO LIKE WATER! YOU WANT CRASH US IN WATER! HULK SMASH YOU!"

"He is my brother!" Thor said. "You shall not smash him!" He started to wind up his hammer, but the stab wound probably slowed him down, because Hulk smacked him right off the walkway. 

Before Steve could take advantage of the Thor-less gap, Hulk jumped right over Steve and roared in Loki's face. Loki stuck Hulk in the chest with his scepter, and Hulk froze. His face was working in frustrated anger, and he was trembling all over. "That won't hold him long, sir," Coulson said. "The angrier he gets, the stronger he is. We should leave."

"Yes, yes!" Loki said. He grabbed Tony and dragged him screeching and clawing from Hulk's shoulder. "I have what I need now!"

"DAMN IT!" Steve shouted. He tried to get past Hulk, but the green guy was even more of a roadblock than Thor. A moment later he heard an engine, and... a flying car! A FLYING CAR! Bright red, a flashy convertible. Damn it, Fury had said there were no flying cars! And there it was, hovering next to Loki, with Coulson at the wheel. Loki leapt in and the car flew off through the conveniently oversized hole Hulk had made. As soon as the car vanished, Hulk roared and ran after it, adding more holes to the infrastructure.

"Well, that went great," Steve said. He leaned over the railing and looked down at Thor who was sprawled over a walkway at least three stories down. "Are you all right?"

Thor looked up and shook his head. "AYE! DO NOT FEAR, I SHALL PREVENT LOKI FROM FURTHER MISCHIEF!" Then he twirled his hammer and _he_ flew through the hole, ignoring Steve's shouts of, "WAIT! WE NEED A PLAN!"

 

"All right, people," Fury said half an hour later, once they'd landed the helicarrier in the ocean, "this is what we're gonna do. We've got the Loki ID program running worldwide. The instant he shows up, we're gonna nail him."

"Uh huh," Clint said. He was twirling an arrow between his fingers. "Yeaah, but... Coulson knows... like... everything."

"This is why we developed the Avenger Initiative!" Fury said, sounding a little desperate.

Natasha gave him a worried look. "The Initiative is a little thin, right now."

Steve didn't know what to say. He'd finally got his uniform on, and felt 'all dressed up and no place to go'. Also, he was a little seasick. The helicarrier floated like a barge.

"HE STOLE MY CAT!" Fury shouted. There was a sudden silence on the flight deck and then Clint and Natasha rose as one, faces grim. 

"We'll get Tony back, sir," Steve said. Tony was an annoying little bugger, but damn it, he was _tiny_ and Loki could be doing terrible things to the little guy. Of course, being dramatic was all very well and good, but they still didn't know where to look.

"SIR! SIR, we have a lock!" one of the crew shouted.

"Where? Where is Loki?" Fury snapped.

"He's..."

"Right here," Loki said, appearing on the flight deck. His face and hands were covered in scratches, but he was grinning brightly. "Look! My eyes are green!" He dropped a spitting and growling Tony on the conference table. Tony stalked over to Steve and bit him on the wrist, lightly. Steve grinned and petted him. Tony started purring.

"What do your EYES have to do with anything?" Fury demanded to know. 

"I was under mind control myself," Loki said. "Thanos sent me to conquer Midgard. He would never have dared had he known that you possessed his arch nemesis!"

"What?" Steve asked, as he scratched Tony's belly fur and got his hand grabbed and kicked.

"I recognized a kindred spirit," Loki said. "I am the god of chaos, yes, but that, that is the god of ultimate destruction!" He pointed to Tony.

Natasha nodded. "He's a cat, that goes with the territory."

"It was glorious!" Loki started dancing in little circles. "The Chitauri fled, screaming. Thanos' slavemaster collapsed at my feet! And Thanos, oh, Thanos, he wept and swore to retreat to his own dimension and never emerge again."

Clint looked at Tony. "He's a cat. What did he do, pee in Thanos' shoes?"

"Look at his eyes!" Loki said.

Steve tilted Tony's chin up. "So. They're blue. Maybe his mother was a Siamese."

"They're TESSERACT blue!" Loki whirled around. "My brother approaches. We must have mead! I will fetch it." And he vanished.

Everyone looked at Tony, who was now licking his private parts. "You know," Fury said, "I don't think I'll tell the Council exactly how the Earth was saved."

The helicarrier lurched to one side. "WHERE IS HULK'S KITTY! HULK SWIM AND SWIM AND SWIM!" Hulk punched a hole in a window and climbed onto the flight deck. "KITTY!"

Tony jumped off the table and went over to Hulk, purring. Hulk sat down with a thud. "SOFT TONY. WARM TONY. LITTLE BALL OF FUR. PURR. PURR. PURR." Tony rubbed up against his hand.

Thor flew into the window after the Hulk. He was grinning. "REJOICE. LOKI HAS BEEN REDEEMED."

Clint said, "And he's bringing mead."

Thor laughed and tossed his hammer into the air. Tony waggled his butt, leaped and grabbed the thong between his teeth and ran off with the hammer. Thor ran off after him, shouting. Hulk jumped up and ran after Thor.

Steve sat down. "I sure hope mead can get me drunk."

"Me, too," Coulson said, flying his car in through the Hulk window and setting it down next to the conference table. "The inter dimensional portal scratched Lola's windshield!" 

Fury patted Coulson on the back. "We'll get her detailed. She'll be fine, Cheese."

"I really, really hope mead can get me drunk," Steve muttered.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this Avengerkink [ prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/16019.html?thread=35810963#t35810963) except that I veered quite a way from the focus, which was supposed to be fluffy and plotless, I think.


End file.
